2003-01-29 - 3:10 p.m.
Halloween 1998. I had planned on staying home that night, maybe watching a couple of horror flicks and eating a pound or two of candy, then going to bed. Well my friend Shawn "Bags" Ross called, telling me about a Halloween party at Kitty O'Shea's in Beverly Ma. We call him "bags" because this guy always has bags of marijuana on him. He swears it's for medicinal purposes, but I don't know if I believe that.
So after much begging and pleading "Bags" finally convinces me to go out with him for a night of debauchery. I quickly threw together a costume, and I was out the door. My costume? I put a pair of panties over my head, pretending to be one of the nerdy kids from the movie Weird Science.
So we get to the bar, and of course your normal drunken fair of people are hooting and a hollering. Every girl in the place dressed up in provocative costumes, and guys dressed like anthing from superman, to hippies, to vampires and werewolves.
As promised, I divulged myself in a plethera of assorted mixed drinks, cocaine snorting, and imported beers. That's when I looked across the bar and saw the sexiest pair of ladies I have ever seen. I'm talking the kind of ladies that would give a 90 year old man an erection quicker than downing 50 bottles of Viagra. By this time I was completely wasted on alcohol and paint thinner sniffing, so I made my way over to them.
The convo was hot and heavy. Of course me and "Bags" really didn't have much to say of any intelligence, being that we were under the influence of so many toxins, but we were able to mutter out a few cheesy pick up lines, which the girls ate right up. We drank some more, when the girls suggested we take them back to my place to finish this date. Me being the ever gentleman that I am, said: "Okay hoooold up, I gotta take a piss fieeeerst, just gimme a frimmm maffamma secoondaga." Ahhh the influence of alcohol will leave you as classy as a room filled with dead hookers. But I move on..
We get back to my place about 20 minutes later. "Bags" and I were surprised by the willingness of these sexy ladies to head straight for the bedroom. Again being a gentleman, I gladly assisted them. What followed next was a horrible nightmare of vomit, sex, stinky feet, sweaty hairy bodies pulsating in the night. See they had turned the lights off, so I was just feeling around, completely blind, just looking for a random booby to grab and suckle. Little did I know these two sexy ladies played a joke on "Bags" and I, by sneaking out of the room in the dark. All the love making to hairy bodies I mentioned? I don't think it will be any surprise that when the lights were switched on "Bags" and I both screamed like girls when we saw we were actually 69ing each other! Now your probably wondering "How could I not tell I had a dong in my face?" Hey I was drunk, I just thought it was a strap on dildo and these were some kinky sexy ladies.
By far that was the second worst date I've ever been on. The worst? Maybe I'll come back and tell you that another time.
hanging out with high school freshmen is not my idea of a romantic date. - 2004-02-13