2003-01-22 - 10:52 a.m.
Have you ever been anyone else's date from hell, on purpose? I was once and I still feel guilty about it.
There was this guy at college, a rich guy. His parents owned a huge rice plantation in Southwest Louisiana. Regardless of his social position and family money he was as dumb as a post. I met him one rainy night at the IHOP just off campus. I was sitting alone studying and endlessly guzzling cups of coffee when several of my friends showed up. This guy, Renee, was with them. Renee was instantly smitten with me, spending the rest of the semester popping up where ever I was and begging me for a date. He was dull, he was boorish, he was as dumb as a rock and I kept rebuffing him, using stronger language each time. The kindest thing I called Renee to his face that semester was "utter moron", most of my endearments started with the *F* word. But it only seemed to make him even more determined to win me over and he got worse, showing up at my job, sending candy, flowers and stuffed teddy bears to my apartment and both of my jobs. The worse I treated him the harder he pursued me.
One night I was bogged down in the school library doing research on a vitally important (for my grades at least) paper on the influence of the Third Reich on the world art scene. There I sat, cranky, red-eyed and surrounded by open books when this fool showed up, flowers in hand, to beg me yet again for a date.
I accepted and decided to fight fire with fire, stopping my art history research to take a gander at psych manuals, formulating my plan of attack.
When he showed up at my apartment for our date I made sure I was as girly-girl as possible, pink dress, ruffles, dressed like I thought I was in a Doris Day movie. I fawned over him, like Anna Nicole Smith after a doddering old millionaire with one foot on the grave and the other on the banana peel, telling him what a "manly-man" he was and other sick lies.
He took me to one of the nicest restaurants in town where I proceeded to order and eat the two most expensive entrees on the menu, topped off by two desserts (I had to fast for 24 hours to do this and still felt like puking!). Laughed like a hyena on crack at all his statements, proclaiming him the "cleverest" man on the planet. Making racket, acting the fool.
But the fun really started when he brought me home again. Once Renee sat on my sofa I informed him I'd decided that he was the great love of my life and I'd decided to immediately drop out of college and marry him, have a couple of babies right away too. I just knew his parents would be thrilled! We could move in with them immediately to start our little family. We'd be sooo happy! That I'd start planning our huge church wedding in the morning.
Well sir, he leapt up off my sofa like someone had lit a rocket up his derriere and ran for the front door, didn't even say goodnight. I was biting my tongue trying not to laugh as I chased after him and said, "Wait! What about our wedding??"
Renee never once bothered me again, if we encounted each other on campus he wouldn't even look at me!
hanging out with high school freshmen is not my idea of a romantic date. - 2004-02-13